Trussed up in an Excup!

Diana Dors, Britain's answer to Marily Monroe. Sexy, sultry and with a pneumatic figure to die for. The animated character Jessica Rabbit is based on Diana Dors in So Long as They're Happy. Some snaps have been included because it REALLY annoys me when folk say Jessica Rabbit was based on Marilyn Monroe.

What is noticeable about this production is the red lame dress with the ever so pointy bust cups. The start of this trend can be traced back to  a post world war Britain, where everything was in short supply- including fabric for undergarments.

There was however a surplus of wood from propellers, hummm, what to do? These were used to create thousands of  shoe trees, but when demand dropped a clever but largely forgotten inventor came up with the idea of the Excup. This cunning device acted as the Wonderbra of the day. Two inverted shoe trees formed the basis of the system, on which the bust was supported. These jutted straight out at a 90 degree angle- hence the torpedo shape, just like a shoe tree. 

The client was firstly measured up- a chart with bust size/foot ratio then gave the correct fitting. The shoe trees or Excups as they became known were then attached to a foundation garment which had a series of adjustable straps. These could be raised or lowered depending on the occasion. High for a dance, middling for a country walk and low for a funeral. Strict social codes were adopted- rather like Victorian mourning codes. To create a slightly exaggerated bounce, and inch of spring was left on the shoe tree.

The Excup was not without its problems, chiefly the unreliable and complex system of webbing, which had a nasty habit of self tightening, usually on one side only. This in turn meant that the opposite side would slacken off. The result? Some very nasty accidents- some of which ended in tragedy.

The Excup eventually gave way to the Whirl Pool Brassiere- a much safer option it seems. Though many who lived through the era remember the pleasures of being trussed up in an Excup!

SCHMAZA

shmaza balls

shmaza rolls

shmaza cake

shmaza purim

shmaza soup

shmaza pudding

my little shmaza

shmaza! -bless you.

shmaza dictionary

shmaza me

shmaza you

schmaza who?

...

A little bit of flour goes a long way...

Much love,

F.B.

Happy Hadidyl.

That's right- Happy Hadidyl!

We were both surprised to see this word pop up in the verification box and especially today, as it is the sacred festival of Hadidyl.

What a marvellous coincidence and all that remains to say is a very, very ....

HAPPY HADIDYL TO YOU ALL.

Don't eat too many Shmaza balls though!

With love, FB & J A S

Pindosm

The Pindosm is a lethal cocktail with a long history. It  was invented in the Late 1920's in a swanky up market bar situated in New York City. We can but imagine the glamour of the machine age.

The exact recipe was a trade secret for many a long year until the truth was finally discovered after de-classified documents, stored on microfiche, were released to the general public.

It seems that the Pindosm was a suicide cocktail first used after the Crash of '29. For those of a sensitive nature I urge you not to read on. Frieda was particularly upset when we liaised on this article, so much so, she had to compose herself in a darkened room for an hour.

The poison selected to put into a favourite cocktail is still available throughout the world in easy to use sachets containing clear crystals- this is not crystal meth. but something altogether more sinister. 

It is a cruel irony that these crystals are used to prolong the life of cut flowers, yet taken in a cocktail prove lethal. Next time you find yourself cutting open one of these sachets, make sure to scrub your hands raw after or it could be...

Goodnight Vienna!

Arlettok ~ It might take your breath away.

Arlettok fashion could be all the rage where you live. It could become misunderstood. It could become deadly.

Arlet comes from the word harlot. Tok comes from the tick tock of a clock that took your parts away. In other words, fashion that sells itself by selling yourself, one limb at a time, in exchange for cold hard cash… and infamous fame.

In today’s fashion industry, it is a dog eat dog world. It is cut throat, literally. You would be hard pressed to come out of it all in one piece. If you’re smart, that is.

More bang for your buck is what you get with arlettok fashion; if you’re lucky enough to get the limb that bangs when you give away your buck.

Take this next piece, for example: Hairy arm, sporting a one-of-a-kind, cashmere, dishtowel cuff with giant pearl by JAS.

This is a prime example of arlettok fashion. What makes this arlettok fashion, you may ask? Why, the hairy arm of course. With the purchase of this cuff, you get to take it home with you. You may share it with your friends. You may look at it from afar, or up close. You may photograph it (royalties may not apply if you’ve paid enough).

You may stroke it. Even use it to scratch your back.

It is a collector’s piece. It is fashion in its highest form. Its value is not for the faint of pocket, just as it is not for the faint of heart.

Yes, there is more than meets the eye when it comes to arlettok fashion. Question is, how much would you pay, and would you be getting more than you bargained for?

Photo and more information on cuff can be seen in Survive Fashion School and Some Daubs.

...

Skuvi.

This is a collection of security words that have no meaning and that lay forgotten in the Draft box, indeed no-one gives a flying fig about their meaning.

How sad. Frieda and I are starting a sponsorship programme in the very near future, with Frieda supplying details of how you can help. 

God Bless You All.

Lutaworm.

Well, the bloody cheek of it. J A S will neither be writing about common dogs, common sex nor that GODFORSAKEN PLACE, KOLSKY. FB swore me down she would not mention that whole episode again. (See previous post.)

Instead, today's post is altogether more important and quite literally life changing. 

Lutaworm. 

This refers to unkempt eyebrows- those that grow in any which way and are never ever seen to. This crime is on a par with bitten fingernails and nasal hair. 

When just a young whippersnapper I went for a job interview and was asked to present my hands- so they could be checked for bitten fingernails. All this for a job working with the mentally ill, whom I am sure had better things to worry about, other than the state of my nice clean and neatly clipped nails.

Eyebrows are another thing altogether. They grow and creep out of shape hair by hair. As any eyebrow technician will tell you, even the superfine hairs can make a difference- over pluck these and your once Khaloesque mono-brow will become something out of Dietrich's dressing room. Personally I prefer to restrict my high arches to my feet rather than my face. However by simply removing excess growth, a person's net value career wise, can be doubled or even trebled, though do be careful that they don't give you a permanent look of surprise.

AVOID LUTAWORMS CREEPING ACROSS YOUR FACE AT ALL COSTS!

kolsiane

Kolsiane
Pronounciation: kol see ya’ nay, or kol shayn, or kol see yen, or kol sy yan
Meanings:
· Common sex
· Common dog
· one from kolsy
or
· common drug


Take your pick. This fabulous word crosses international lines. It is distinguishable only by those who use it or take it.


JAS will enlighten us on the meanings of the first three, as he is worldlier than I. And I will attempt to explain common drug (by association only mind you).


Kolsiane is commonly known as a pre-war drug. Its psycho-deteriorate affects were used in the military during drafting to raise spirits, so to speak. My grandfather, for example, was prescribed Kolsiane before WWII in order to gain courage. And courage he did gain. Kolsiane is reported to stay within the system for years, clinging to the pancreas, causing digestive disruption, colorful discharge, and an excess of hair follicle stimulation. Its effects leave as quickly as they come, causing serious mood swings and paranoia.

Dyslecsic Note ~ Dear Bradley

Dear Bradley,

Had to hear from a friend of a friend that you were telling it around that I had borrowed a suit of yours under false pretenses and that your suit was never returned to you; that I deliberately passed on your calls, and that I stood, snickering behind the peephole of my front door when you came round to call. I would appreciate your not marking my reputation by suggesting that I am a con-fart aka knart. Our friendship, as far as I am concerned is now thwarted beyond repair. You are now labeled a dicro in my book. As for your bloody suit which you presented me for my birthday, I have taped a clipping of it to the front of this postcard and label you dicro indian giver!

Mad as hell,
Cambell

P.S. You can find the rest of your damned suit in the rubbish bin out the neighbor's garage.

Gratoxi.

Gratoxi.

Unfortunately, due to a technical error (formerly known as a cock-up,) I have lost the reference manual on determining the exact meaning of words. 

I will therefore have to make something up- pull something out of the hat as it were....

Gratoxi means 'have a nice day y'all.' Or does it?

It is a viral word first thought to have been used in California, by all those lovely toned and tanned people. The original meaning stems from grat, meaning gratitude- for looking me up and down, but I don't think so- do you? The second part means toxic, just like Miss Spears sang. (You will now have that tune in your head all day long now.) Simple translation:

Thanks, but get real you ugly muthafucka.

This has mutated into a quasi salutation of friendliness, roughly meaning, I may look friendly, but I'm still waiting for your butt to drop three feet any day soon.

G R A T O X I !

Reere.

There appears to be a typo here, as the word should read re-ere, ere being old English for air. This now makes much more sense. It is rather like that old knart in Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights. The old manservant speaks in such a thick Yorkshire dialect, that even locals have to either say: 'eh?/what?/speak bloody properly,' or pretend they understand- with lots of head nodding and subtle changing of the subject. We are unable to remember t'old git's name, but we knaw he's a fond o' Bible neet, with thee flaysome temper and references to owd Nick.

One easy tip in trying ta unustands t'auld twat, is ta sup a beaker o' negus, then imagine one is doing quick text with t' barns. Saying it out loud- as it sounds, helps to give meaning to the word or expression. As for us, Frieda and I are just about to go a mumming round the local community, where she will be further explaining the meaning of knart and dicro.

-It has been pointed out by my nemesis here in the UK, dear old Susan, that I have neglected to explain the meaning of reere. I will keep it short and sweet. To reere, means to re-air a room after folk have visited, to remove any nasty odours, especially in the lavatory, with an expensive freshener that purports to 'digest bacteria.' This it may do- but in doing so, it leaves a very unpleasant, sour smell. Imagine pickling vinegar mixed with sour bath sheets that haven't dried properly. Euch. In this case a room must be re-reere-ed.

knart, dicro

Ever been taken for a KNART or a DICRO? It's not a very nice thing. It can set your mood off a few kilometers, that's for certain.





So what is a knart or a dicro? Well, let's see if we can verify matters for you. (Note the pun, please; I don't get many of these in.)





A knart is something between a con artist and a fart. I think you catch my drift here. Someone who tries to be sneaky but does not succeed at it.





A dicro would be a bit uglier. A dick rover if you must know. Someone who is just plain mean and doesn't care that they are mean and runs you over without giving it a second thought.





So now that we are up to speed with those two security verifiers, lets try to be nicey nicey. You definitely won't want to be called either one.


Love,
Frieda

Spottl Prouac.

A Spottl Prouac is more commonly known as a person for whom every smile has been used up. This is similar to reproductive differences between the sexes, namely a woman is born with a finite number of eggs, whilst a male can seemingly produce a limitless supply of sperm from adolescence onward.

The poor Spottl Prouac has been born with a limited supply of smiles- there is no test for this and it only becomes apparent when the person, of either sex, can no longer smile. What a tragedy- to live ones life being unable to join in with social codes. Still, at least they are unable to give false social smiles, which we are able to sense but rarely do anything about.

The picture has been modified to show how the Spottl Prouac would like to look, with nice white teeth and a Mallen streak, though we doubt that anything will make this personage happy.

Use, Don't Abuse, Your Snappy Shoes

Gretchen Barnbrig of Panchua wrote in with a distressed note. In it, she writes of the word snappy, as in, "Those are some snappy shoes you're wearing," or, "Make it snappy, I don't have all day!" Yes, snappy was her security word two days ago. "I was confused and disoriented," she writes. "If snappy is a real dictionary word, then why is it showing up as my security verifier?"

Rightfuly so, to be distressed, Gretchen. JAS and I have researched this problem, and yes, it is a serious one. Let us explain. Security Verifiers often get misplaced, or rather replaced, by words less commonly used by the general public. They both get booted out of their own homes which are then torn down to build countless condos and appartments of the exact same word to meet public demand and rising populations of miscreants.

Unfortunately, countless dictionary words get discarded and overlooked every day. Layman vocabulary (and vocabulary of other classes quite frankly)leaves much to be desired in the world of variety. You will find that like common variety garden plants that get snatched up for good measure every day, so do common variety words. And, hey, why not. Insert a good "fuck" or a piece of "shit" into any sentence and you've got it made, right? Orgasmed and relieved yourself at the same time!

Wrong and No!

What you are really saying when you're continuously limiting your vocabulary, purposefully or otherwise is:

• It makes me look normal
• I am uneducated
• I am uncouth
• I don't care enough about you to "use my words"
• I am worried about what you will think of me if I try to be myself
• I don't care enough about my language to learn to speak it properly
• I am not attractive or sexy in any way shape or form
• I think I'm cool but I'm really not
• I don't know what I am saying
• I have nothing to say
• I can't express myself
• I don't respect you or myself enough to use my thoughtful and creative words
• I love to wash my mouth out with used soap

The list goes on and on. I believe you get our point.

If this doesn't make sense to you, look at it this way, it's like crying wolf. Say fuck or shit, for example, enough times and you are likely to get overlooked when you're really in a bind. "What's the matter with him," someone will ask when your arm has been severed or you're getting mugged. "Oh, he's just talking," someone else will say. Is that what you truly want? If so, by all means, have at it your way. But do take a good think about this.

So what are your alternatives? Well, stub your toe? Why not give a colorful visual. What is it you are seeing in your minds eye? Why not try, "MOUNTAINS OF MARIGOLDS!" Or, "STINKY BUTTONS!" At any rate, it's more likely to get you proper attention, and, in the end, a more satisfying relief from your pain.

You see, hormones released when you find humor in something not only minimizes pain, it also keeps you healthy and trim. Can't go out for a good jog? Why not get in a good laugh instead. Sure you can get good results with a good fuck. And a good shit can skim of the poundage. But a good, heartfelt laugh you can do anytime, any day, anywhere, with anyone, no protection required (unless of course it's at someone else's expense; but that is another post entirely).

JAS and I urge you to vary your words. Relish them. Let them know they have a purpose. Let them in on your emotions, your thoughts, your senses. Without them, you would be nothing. They are there for the taking. They are all wanting to be used. Take advantage of that last thought, as not many people I know are as impatient to be used, and neither will they stick by your side through thick and thin as any decent word will. There should be no reason why a good and true dictionary word should need to seek shelter and sponsorship in Dyslecsics' Dictionary.

That's all for now. See ya later alligator, In a while crocodile, Adios, Alvedezaine, Au Revoir, Chow, Toodles, Peace be with you, Aloha, Adeo, and keep it real.

Love,

Frieda

Preize.

Such a preize. Not first, second or even third. Not even last, or anything that can be used in an amusing anecdote with friends over a glass of something ever so slightly chilled.

A preize has no value and as such is forgotten instantly. Because a preize has so little value and because we are unable to remember any preizes we have won between us, we are therefore unable to say much about the subject- which more or less says P R E I Z E really.

When was the last time you won such a memorable preize?

        

Snorkum fluenkn mankiae

There once was a lady named Frieda,
Who said, "Darling dear, let me feed ya."
She went over there,
And she climbed on a chair.
When she turned she said, "Snorkum, I see ya."

There once was a lady named Frieda,
Who said, "Snorkum dear, let me feed ya."
When he wasn't lookin',
She popped in a fluenkn.
He died the next day of mankiae.

SYCOTESS.

SYCOTESS is a neurological condition popularised by a 'Famous Director' in his 1957 classic. The main story features a lovely young couple- currently unmarried and therefore, because of the film classification act, unable to live together or even embrace in a natural manner- no body contact, no pocket rockets, no fun at all really.

However there are some lovely contemporary fashions of the day- wasp waists, shantung frocks and some lemon clam diggers- seen when she is running for her life through the forest. Needless to say they are as clean at the end as they were when we first see her pegging out the washing.

Anyway, the woman realises she is trapped in an unreal world of make-believe, but is unable to convey this fact to any of the main or supernumerary players, who all believe she is going crazy. She is locked up and undergoes a transition with some hair dye and a false beard before all is revealed.

After much debate, neither Freida nor I feel able to spoil your enjoyment of this film, by delivering the outcome. Our advice is to sit down with a nice beaker of tea, a box of chocolates and a few tissues- will you need them when the lobotomy takes place: my God, the blood fucking squirts everywhere.

-You will be pleased to learn that all's well that ends well. Our heroine was able to do manual, housework type chores without much supervision. Her main skill now centres on the ability to colour match her pegs when hanging out washing- thus bringing harmony back to the close knit community. She is now normal, apart from the large scar, drooping eye and inability to wipe drool from her mouth.

Sadly, our hero- who is ALWAYS  a male in such films was shot in the head within 15 minutes of the opening sequence. This leaves the audience in a dilemma: to stay or go? What could be the point of staying, if it's only a little lady left to sort out the mess left by the scriptwriter. This might explain why the film bombed at the time and remained largely forgotten, until recently.

New to Dyslecsics' Dictionary.

We at Dyslecsics' Dictionary are proud to announce a new range of greetings cards suitable, say, for a thick skinned SHEMUT.

Images are designed to be interactive and convey a welcoming feeling- just like the welcoming feeling you gave me when I caught you and my boyfriend in the throes of passion.

We hope you like the slit throat look- are you picking up on any subliminal messages yet dear? Painful things, slit throats- but I am feeling much better now the thyroid issue has been sorted out.

shemut

Shemut* is a longtime favorite for JAS and I. We use it frequently. Shemut is definitely one of those words you wish you had with you for use during quite a few social occasions. So what does shemut mean, you ask? Frieda is here to enlighten!

Shemut- not quite a full blown bitch, but one of those snide friends who like to be nicey-nicey, then will slap you in the face with something nasty, leaving you on the back foot and unable to answer back. They then move the conversation on, as though nothing had happened. Bloody shemut.

Used in a sentence, or two, or three...? "I have to say cremmil donuts make a most excellent breakfast. Dip them in tea! But don't eat them around a shemut or you're liable to get flaked and walloped. That's my two shillings worth anyway."

"Don't make me get all shemut on your ass!"

"I like how you're using my innocent Scrabble Inspirations for your own humorous pleasures. Coming to my back-alley-underground for some cheap thrills, eh? Thinking no one would notice? You forgot about the shemut. Boo!"

So the next time you find yourself in a card shop, ask the shop keeper if they have any cards appropriate for shemuts. If they act confused, they probably are, so do them the favor of explaining. They'll thank you for it.

Until next time, au revoir my friends.

Yours truly,

FB

*Shemut first sponsored by JAS.

Are You In A QUISM?

I am in a real QUISM!

There's a fine word if ever there was, QUISM!

Neither of us can decide on the exact meaning of QUISM! But we are agreed that it needs to be capitalised and requires an exclamation mark, rather like Westward Ho! (This being the only place in the UK to have an exclamation mark in its name.)

When next you find yourself in a real QUISM! think of Frieda and me in a similar QUISM! about the actual meaning of this word.

Hopefully Frieda will be QUISM! free for the next entry.

- QUISM! first came to FB's attention before being stolen by JAS, who was very naughty to pilfer such a gift from cyberspace.

perac, saltal, blygio, diomball

Here's a nice little conversation I picked up off the wire in the comments section of one of my blogs' posts. With their permissions we are happy to announce that we can publish it here on Dyslecsics' Dictionary! Thanks Anonymous and CC! Anonymous and CC have given home to four security verification words.

A: See? You are vain and self centered. And you are trying to lead us to believe that you are "perac". A near perfect person accused falsely of being other than they are.

C: Oh come on anonymous, don't be such a saltal. Someone who leaves snippets of negative comments at the tail of a blog anonymously.

A: Well at least I am not a blygio. A blind follower who goes around kissing arse.

C: You are so diomball, you like to think of yourself as Diabolical, but are too dumb to be.


Awesome, guys! You did it. Four more words sponsored. How easy was that?

JAS in charge tomorrow.

Much love, Frieda

D R O P H O N L

Drophonl may sound like an something one would rib into a groin injury, but it is in actual fact a term used for a very specialist reader of blogs- one who skims through sucking essential first impressions and nutrients out of the individual post followed by a secondary feeding frenzy at a later date.

The Drophonl is easily categorised:

They leave crafty markers (formerly known as a "comment,") in early posts- hoping to catch the blogger unawares.

They have an encyclopedic knowledge of random, useless information and demonstrate it whilst in mixed company or dining out. (J A S is known for his random snippets. Need to entertain the unknown guest of a guest? Want to get rid of the party bore? You know who to search out.)

They have weak posture- real slumpy y'all.

They wear those courtesy hotel slippers whilst in their own home. Though we all know we paid through the nose for those tissue thin, one size fits no-one mules.

Do watch out for the Drophonl in your community and make sure you report them to your local busy body- unless they are making themselves useful by boring the pants off the party bore.

prilyo & ovensupl

We have our winners. That's right winners.

This New Years, luck comes in twos! So let us have a drum roll, please!

PRILYO & OVENSUPL have happily made it into our Dyslecsics Dictionary with top ranks!

Frank Cabaliero, from Newport New Mexico sent in prilyo. So what is prilyo, you may be wondering? Isn't it obvious? Prilyo - sounds like a dish scrubber and is formerly known as bleach. "Have you noticed recently how healthy the Jones' kids are? Mrs. Jones uses prilyo when swabbing down the surfaces." - It's proven to kill all known germs D E A D and makes for a delicious smoothie! "It's what I use on my kids every day! It does work wonders."


Janis Quayleyani, from Little Michigan, Italy sent in ovensupl. Way to go Janis, that's a good one. So what does ovensupl mean? Obviously, it means skin so smooth it came fresh from the oven... or did it? When fast word got around about the security verification word ovensupl, marketing developer and entrepreneur Mario Scapini got in on the action! He and Janis now have a new line of products you won't want to miss! Skin so supple, it's ovensupl. "Oh, my darling little squid, your skin is so soft! You've been basting yourself again, haven't you? I love it." He'll never know, it's Ovensupl. Coming soon to fine stores everywhere.

We hope you all enjoyed today's winners as much as we have. Kudos to Frank and Janis. That's two more words that finally have a home they can call home.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE

MUCH LOVE, JAS AND FRIEDA!